KA_Humour!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,
"take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.
Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Drunk at Church

A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, mate, there's no paper in this one either."

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. IHAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE Of TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,
"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT..... I'M GETTIN' A FAX."

The wall
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch out for the wall!"

Hearing Problems

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

LOOKING FOR JESUS

The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk said yes.
The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said no.
The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk again said no.
The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.

The drunk said, "Are you sure he fell in here?"

THIS ONE IS CUTE!
> A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
>was squirming around,
> scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back
>to find out what was
> going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
>just recently been
> circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go
>down to the principal's
> office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
>should do about it. He did
> it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion
>at the back of the room.
> She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
>desk with his penis hanging
> out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said "I
>did," he said, "And she told me
> that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me
>up from school."
> KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

DRUNK AGAIN!

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Rats," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."